Road Rage, In Which I See a Man Spit on Another Man

It was just a simple traffic error at a four-way stop: The van in front of me pulled out a little when it was really the silver car's turn to make a left in front of him. The van stopped, allowing Silver Car to go, but Silver Car was mad. Silver Car blocked the intersection, stopping right in front of VanMan. For a moment, we all sat there. And then we sat there and sat there and sat there.

VanMan started jerking his shoulders and chopping the air with his hands. This was sign language for Hello, my good man! I believe it might be prudent for you to move your automotive unit from the intersection and allow the good people of Orlando to drive through. Okay, that's the British version. I'm not allowed to use the words he really meant.

Silver Car did not like the sign language. The driver's door opened, and a short older man with furious eyebrows came out yelling. Again, I'm not allowed to use those words, but I'm sure you can fill in the blanks.

He stalked around the car up to VanMan's window and got right in his face. VanMan buzzed his window down. I know VanMan was a little shaken, because even though he was yelling back, he recoiled from SilverMan.

SilverMan had white hair and was small, but he looked powerfully built. He was not feeble. He kept yelling at VanMan. He started to walk away, then he turned around and spit right at VanMan.

As he walked to his car, he glanced at me. I suddenly realized I had my hands to my mouth and my eyes were wide and shocked. His eyes shone with anger. I was like No! Do not look at the woman in the gold van. She didn't even honk at you!

SilverMan hopped back into his car and sped off, with VanMan right on his tail. I just happened to be going the same way, and I saw that VanMan was now on his cell phone. Was he reporting this guy for battery? I don't know, but it was a good performance in any case.

At one point, they slowed down and pulled over to the side. I thought they were going to duke it out, but no--Silver Car went straight, and VanMan turned left.

It was quite an exciting drive.

Just Me and Cheese, Tidbits from the Grocery Store

Writers are often advised to sit in malls or other public places and eavesdrop--you know, get a feel for what real people say, maybe even write some of it down.

Here's what I overheard at the grocery store:

Man: Just me and cheese, that is my desire. Me and cheese.

* * * * *

Man: C'mere! Look at all this yogurt! They have cherry, strawberry, banana--you can have any flavor you want.

Kid: I want this one.

Woman: No! You'll just waste money.

* * * * *

Kid: Mo-om! He scratched me.

Woman: What is the rule? What is the rule?

* * * * *

Woman: Horseradish and mayo . . . horseradish and mayo. [Okay, this one was me. I tend to recite my list out loud once I've relinquished my mind to the grocery store zone.]

* * * * *

Kid: Hey, Mommy--

Woman: I'm not buying that.

* * * * *

Man: We spent Thanksgiving at my mom's. She did the cookin' and I did the peelin' the potatoes.

* * * * *

Man: Paper or plastic?

Dolly Parton's Here! (In the Sidebar, Anyway)

Dolly Parton is performing "Sleigh Bells Ring" in Summer Friend's Clip of the Week. Just scroll down a little. I couldn't find any live versions that also had good sound quality, so just imagine the perky Dolly Parton as she moves us into the Christmas spirit.

Other news:
For those of you who may have lost sleep over this, the Battle of the Bands is over--The Monkees won.

Also, I tried to make it snow on Summer Friend and ended up zeroing out my blog! Can you say "insta-stress"? The template I'd downloaded couldn't be uploaded and I spent a very long time rebuilding it.

But I'm back. Regular posts resuming tomorrow.

Black Friday, Green Thursday

Don't look for me at the mall. I will not be there.

Green Thursday is not a Gore-inspired phrase--it describes me yesterday. I was sick! I never made it to the Thanksgiving table, which was out of town. Sleep was the balm that soothed, and I awoke just in time to catch MY FAVORITE HITCHCOCK MOVIE, Rear Window.

It's been years since I've seen that film. Who knew Jimmy could be such a charming rogue? The only thing I didn't like, which I hadn't noticed before, was when Grace Kelly's character was being thrashed by Raymond Burr and she calls out "Jeff!" "Jeff," and instead of returning her shout, LB Jeffries (Jimmy Stewart) backs his wheelchair to hide in the darkness. I know his leg is broken and all, but I would have liked to see him make some kind of attempt to help her, maybe shout back and fall out of the wheelchair as he tries to get up. (I know he called the police, but that was before the thrashing began.) BTW, the cast on his left leg supposedly jumps to his right leg halfway through the movie. I never caught the switch.

Then I watched Mean Girls. Tina Fey is such a good writer and I like how loyal she is to all her SNL comrades. One thing I noticed about Mean Girls is that even though it's a contemporary film (2004), technology played no part in it. Nobody was texting. Nobody was emailing. Nobody was using cell phones. Surely one compromising picture would have been snapped via cell phone in all that meanness. (There were two three-way calls, but I wouldn't call that new technology.)

I have to conclude that Ms. Fey left technology out on purpose. Perhaps she did so to prevent the movie from becoming dated--technology moves faster than fashion. Maybe viewers are more lifted out by old-fashioned technology than they are by plaid pants.

How much technology is safe to include if you want your story to have a long shelf life? That's a hard question. Even texting lingo has changed over the years. What's your opinion?

Happy Turkey Day!

Tidbits from Sunday's Paper

So I've just now sat down with yesterday's paper. Here's the news:

The Off Key Krooners are looking for volunteers. Finally! A musical group who would appreciate my talents.

People with bigger noses do not have superior smelling abilities. I'm sure we can all rest easier knowing this important controversy has reached its end.

The paper is running a read-along using the book The Cricket in Times Square. Who can resist that title? I've got to get this book.

More dog books on the scene--one sounds a bit like Marley and promises to be just as heart wrenching: Good Dog. Stay by Anna Quindlen.

A woman is being sued over comments she made in her blog.

I'm innocent, I tell ya! It wasn't me, it was some other blogger, yeah, I ain't no stoolie, I won't snitch.

Be careful, my cyberspace friends. But if they do throw you in the pokey, contact me immediately--I know how to bake cakes with files inside.

HEAD, the 1968 Movie Featuring The Monkees, and Battle of the Bands

I recently watched Head, the 1968 movie featuring the Monkees. Man, talk about weird! The movie is comprised of vignettes strung together in an odd way that makes sense and leads to the ending. Jack Nicholson cowrote the screen play. This movie is not for everyone--there are clear drug references and the fragments give the movie a weird, dreamlike quality. For me, the movie was strange and literary. I'm still thinking about it.

If you like all things sixties/seventies, if vintage is you, if you use words like dig and groovy, this movie is for you. Head intrigued me enough to Google it. When the movie first came out in 1968, it failed, but it has a strong cult following, even now. Proof: Cameron Crowe used the Porpoise Song to close Vanilla Sky, the 2001 movie featuring Tom Cruise. The Porpoise Song also closes Head.

Check out the Porpoise Song in my new sidebar feature: Clip of the Week (scroll down a little). But before you go, please leave a comment and vote in Summer Friend's first ever Battle of the Bands: The Monkees VS Smash Mouth, performing "I'm a Believer."

The Monkees


Smash Mouth

Important News from People Magazine

I generally don't comment on news, but I saw a piece on my Yahoo! page that I simply couldn't ignore. This breaking news story arrested my attention--I even watched the video. Maybe you did, too.

People has announced their list for Sexiest Man Alive! I was glad to see my man Johnny Depp on board and Brad Pitt, too, not to mention the world's biggest sweetheart, John Stamos, but where was Owen Wilson? Where was Adrian Paul of Highlander fame? I feel an injurious oversight has occurred over there in the People offices.

Maybe they want to give Owen a paparazzi break, but how could anyone compose such a list without placing Adrian Paul in the top five? His character, Duncan MacLeod, is half of one of my top favorite TV couples: Duncan and Tessa, and Jesse and Becky (Full House). In fact, I had hoped Adrian (yes, we're on a first name basis) would snag the coveted James Bond role (which went to Daniel Craig). He's so perfect for that type of role: elegant, good-looking, English, and he's an excellent swordsman. Plus, if he'd been given that role, I would finally be able to attend action movies.

If it were up to me, and husbands were excluded, I'd give the crown back to Johnny Depp. I loved Gilbert Grape and Edward Scissorhands and Dead Man and the first Pirates of the Caribbean. Runners up would be Adrian Paul, Brad Pitt, John Stamos, and Owen Wilson. In that order.

And that's the news.

Nonverbal Cues, and Why I Don't Play Poker

After weeks of subsisting on energy drinks and rice cakes, my body's been craving fresh fruit or vegetables, maybe even a tomato, which I hate, but that's how strong the craving's been.

I lucked out tonight, pulling into a fast food joint that I didn't know had salads. Pre-made, but still, Gorgonzola, cranberries, sunflower seeds, and vinaigrette--what else do you need? Maybe one of those corn bread rolls. I love corn bread.

Leaning toward the cashier, I asked, "How much--"

"The corn bread comes with the salad," he said.

My jaw dropped. This guy was a mind reader. "How did you know I was going to ask that?"

He laughed. "You kept looking at the pan!"

Nonverbal cue! Body language!

Let me rewrite the last part of the scene:

I lucked out tonight, pulling into a fast food joint that I didn't know had salads. Pre-made, but still, Gorgonzola, cranberries, sunflower seeds, and vinaigrette--what else do you need? Maybe one of those corn bread rolls. I love cornbread.

I tilted my head, searching the pan for the biggest roll. Then a different server moved in and swiped the last few. Oh man! The pan was empty.

It's way to early to run out, I thought. They have to make more. I looked up and scanned the menu to see how much a roll cost. Corn bread . . . corn bread . . . corn bread--couldn't find it.

Leaning toward the cashier, I asked, "How much--"

"The corn bread comes with the salad," he said.

My jaw dropped. This guy was a mind reader. "How did you know I was going to ask that?"

He laughed. "You kept looking at the pan!"

Talk about wearing your heart on your sleeve (in this case, my stomach)! This fast food worker reminded me once again of the power of nonverbal cues. It's amazing how much we reveal without uttering a word. We can lend this sort of impact to our characters, make them real actors, not just talking heads.

In any case, I always give myself away. I blush easily and startle with a big shake and a Whoop! Don't even ask me to play poker. I know better.

Wax Paper Kazoo, and You Can Too!

I made the mistake this morning of introducing the low technology kazoo: wax paper held against one's lips.

Me: So here's how you do you it. [Holds wax paper to lips.]
Ooooooooooo!

Him: Let me try! [Takes the piece I hold out to him.]
Oooooooooo! [Rattle, rattle]

Me: Hahahahaha!

Him: OOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: Haha!

Him: Oooooooooooooo! [Dances around kitchen.] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me:

Him: [Prancing like a sprite.] OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: Maybe you should go in the other room and do that.

Him: [Hears only a Charlie Brown teacher voice. Keeps leaping around kitchen.]

Me: May you should--

Him: OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Me: [Eyes jingle in head. Picks up wax paper.]
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

I Snag An Interview With A Big Celebrity's Posse

I snagged this interview some years ago when I was in college and fulfilling a journalism requirement. Here's the 411:

How Now Brown Cow?

The biggest celebrity at recent fairs in Central Florida did not speak to anyone or sign autographs.

Elsie the Cow, Borden’s 850-pound public relations mascot, had her own booth at the Central Florida Fair and the Winn Dixie Festival of Foods, both held last March in Orlando.

At the Festival of Foods, people stopped when they saw her. Some argued whether she was real or not, and others said they didn’t know cows had horns.

“A lot of kids like to touch her,” Lewis Rayburn, Elsie’s handler, said. “Lots of old-timers who’ve all milked cows like to see her.”

Although many people smile when they see her, Rayburn said he is often reprimanded by animal lovers who think Elsie’s life is cruel.

They needn’t worry.

“She lives a penthouse life,” Rayburn said.

Elsie is bathed and soaped down everyday, according to Rayburn. Her hooves are painted with black shoe polish and her horns sanded and painted with clear lacquer. She wears a golden chain around her horns, travels in an air-conditioned trailer, and takes about two month off each year.

Her home is in Columbus, Ohio, but she spends winters at a private farm in Orlando. Rayburn said Elsie likes to pass her time on the farm walking in pastures, getting dirty, and acting like a regular cow.

But don’t get the idea that Elsie is a cow of leisure. According to Rayburn, Elsie makes more than 300 appearances a year—visiting hospitals, walking in parades, and appearing at fairs and festivals.

During her Orlando appearances, Elsie stood or sat quietly in a lace canopy stall as passers-by admired her.

There’s only one thing Rayburn doesn’t really enjoy about working with Elsie.

“I usually catch it with a bucket or a shovel,” he said.

“Then I spray Lysol.”

My HDR and TV are Almost Restored! Sunday Night TV (Spoiler Alert!)

My television and HDR have been down for several weeks. I’ve barely missed them. In fact, during the day, I haven’t missed them at all, my rule against daytime TV being such that it is.

But I’ve missed three weeks’ of Saturday Night Live, Desperate Housewives, and America’s Next Top Model. It’s been horrible. At night, I’ve been doing housework instead of sitting on the couch with ice cream and entertainment. This is not my idea of a good evening (although I will say the laundry is caught up).

I finally got the big idea to catch up on these shows through their websites. NBC doesn’t provide full episodes of SNL, and the CW site didn’t stream well for me, but I did get all caught up on my Desperate Housewives Saturday and wouldn’t you know it—serendipity! Live TV worked Sunday night!

With great joy, I scooped my ice cream and moved to the couch, ready to be entertained. Instead, my housewives made me cry. [Spoiler alert! Spoiler alert!] When Lynette found out she didn’t have cancer, she walked out to the back yard in shock. Just as she looked upward and you could feel that sense of unburdening, she spotted the dead animal in her yard. Dead from the poison she left out. (I really did like the symbolism earlier with the air rifle.) I couldn’t tell if the animal was the possum or a dog—my screen colors are not quite right. In the same episode, Bree’s daughter gave up her baby. Excellent acting, Joy Lauren (Danielle).

So then I watched Brothers and Sisters. I do not normally watch this show (it's good, BTW), but my TV is in the condition where one must actually rise from the couch, walk across the living room and manually—manually!—change the channel. I wanted to watch something funny but I didn’t feel like getting up. [Spoiler alert!] Calista Flockhart’s character had a miscarriage.

Ah, man! Not the note I wished to go to bed on. I will be so glad when my HDR is fixed and I can get comedy on demand. I’m hoping everything will be working by Thursday so I can watch 30 Rock live. If the next episode is as good as the ones on the website, I’ll be adding it to my HDR.

Death and Resurrection: The Plastic Pink Flamingo

Although real pink flamingos aren’t indigenous to Florida, I’m pretty sure the plastic ones are. When I first moved to the Sunshine State, plastic pink flamingos graced many yards, always in multiples of two (being sold only in pairs). I thought they were kind of funny. I liked their pink color. I bought a pair.

Union Products, the company that manufactured these popular birds, ceased the PPF production on this day in 2006. But don’t reach for your tissues—HMC International has purchased the copyright and original plastic molds, and the Plastic Pink Flamingo shall rise once again (or at least be stuck in ground on its metal wicket legs).

We Have a Space Issue

In Georgia, they do not consistently dot their is, but the ts are always crossed (see photos). In Florida, we have a space and caps issue:

Texas Bull Rope, Lights Out, No Holds Barred Grammar Answers!

Thank you to the brave souls who posted their answers to the first ever Texas Bull Rope, Lights Out, No Holds Barred Grammar Challenge. Church Lady, decaf, Jerry, ello, Courtney, Stella, Angela, and Charles entered the ring with great boldness and power. To all of you: You are as witty as you are smart!

And now, without further ado--the answers!

1. What is a gerund?
A gerund is a noun made of the ing form of a verb: Eating donuts is healthy!

2. Choose the error-free sentence:
a. The dog wagged it’s tail.
b. The dog wagged its tail.
The correct answer is b. The first answer is incorrect because it’s always means it is.

3. What is the correct format for a three point ellipsis?
The correct format for a three point ellipsis is space, point, space, point, space, point, space and then the next word. For example, “I don’t . . . I can’t . . . I won’t love you!


4. Choose the error-free sentence:
a. Between you and I, she really could do better than him.
b. Between you and me, she really could do better than him.
The correct answer is b. Trust me. Or check this link.

5. Give an example of the future perfect progressive tense.
Okay, I cheated on this one! I knew those tenses had some really compounded terms, so I looked for the most compounded, confounding tense I could find. Here’s an example of the future perfect progressive tense: By midnight, I will have been surfing the ’net for seven hours.

6. Choose the error free sentence:
a. John has twin sisters. His sister, Elizabeth, is a model.
b. John has twin sisters. His sister Elizabeth is a model.
The correct answer is b. Because John has two sisters, Elizabeth is a restrictive appositive--you wouldn’t know which sister the narrator was talking about unless Elizabeth was named. It's considered necessary information and is therefore not set off by commas.

7. What is the subjunctive mood?
Ah, the subjunctive mood--my favorite! It’s basically a fancy term for an if statement: I would have a clean house if I weren’t a writer. The subjunctive mood includes forms that state something other than the reality: We wish he were normal.

8. Choose the error-free sentence:
a. John has twin sisters. Elizabeth is the prettiest one.
b. John has twin sisters. Elizabeth is the prettier one.
The correct answer is b. When comparing only two, use –er; three or more, use –est.

9. The following sentence has an error. What is it?
After vomiting, check the child's temperature.
Dangling modifier! After the child vomits, check the child’s temperature.

10. I should of thought of a harder question for number ten. What do you think?
I should have thought of a harder question for number ten.

The Texas Bull Rope, Lights Out, No Holds Barred Grammar Challenge

Sharpen your pencils and close your books. This is a test. Please close that CMS, and I see you back there with your dictionary. Close it. Do not text each other with the answers or I will confiscate all electronics in the room.

Sniff the ditto, then begin.

Incomplete exams are acceptable. Answers will appear in a later post. (Spit out that gum, Billy.)

1. What is a gerund?

2. Choose the error-free sentence:
a. The dog wagged it’s tail.
b. The dog wagged its tail.

3. What is the correct format for a three point ellipsis?

4. Choose the error-free sentence:
a. Between you and I, she really could do better than him.
b. Between you and me, she really could do better than him.

5. Give an example of the future perfect progressive tense.

6. Choose the error free sentence:
a. John has twin sisters. His sister, Elizabeth, is a model.
b. John has twin sisters. His sister Elizabeth is a model.

7. What is the subjunctive mood?

8. Choose the error-free sentence:
a. John has twin sisters. Elizabeth is the prettiest one.
b. John has twin sisters. Elizabeth is the prettier one.

9. The following sentence has an error. What is it?
After vomiting, check the child's temperature.

10. I should of thought of a harder question for number ten. What do you think?

Spot the Error(s) #5

I had a friend who used to say, "Good enough for government work."

Interview With Courtney Summers Regarding her YA Novel, Cracked Up To Be

Today we have the privilege of speaking with Courtney Summers, author of the upcoming YA novel CRACKED UP TO BE and blogger extraordinaire. Courtney’s debut novel takes a familiar concept and turns it upside down. Here’s the blurb from Publishers Marketplace:

Courtney Summers's CRACKED UP TO BE, in which the popular girl decides to quit being popular and find herself but her friends work hard to stop her making "a big mistake," to Sara Goodman at St. Martin's, by Amy Tipton at FinePrint Literary Management (World English)

DH: Welcome to the blog, Courtney, and big-time congratulations with balloons and chocolate cake! Your blog post on the sale was full of excitement and humility (and I love your grandma!). But there’s so much more we want to know. Let’s get started!

How did you get the idea for CRACKED UP TO BE?

Courtney: Thank you so much! I'm really excited about all of this, but I have to disclaimer my answers by letting your readers know I've never been interviewed before. :)

I got the idea for CRACKED UP TO BE by asking myself a lot of questions about identity and perceptions. I was really interested in writing a character that struggled with and bucked the expectations projected on her based on where she fell on the social ladder. After that came all the fun of figuring out why she was struggling and why she wanted to buck them . . . so that's how it all started!

DH: I love your spin on the popularity issue. Your main character is intriguing. What’s her name and how did you come up with it?

Courtney: Her name is Parker. It came to me like snap, which was really lucky as it doesn't usually happen for me that way--and it probably never will again! I'm used to searching through name after name after name, waiting to feel a “click.” That can sometimes take hours. Or days.

DH: Yes, and when you’ve hit upon the right element, you just know it. Speaking of elements, you live in Canada; where is your story set and how did you choose that setting?

Courtney: The story is set in a fictional town in America--it just seemed to fit. I must admit that settings are usually pretty static in my novels anyway, as opposed to novels where they play a larger role. Once I've established where everything's happening, it's like, "Okay! Moving on..."

DH: How much of yourself is in your characters?

Courtney: Very little, I think. I hope! I have fun trying to shape characters that are as far removed from me as possible for a variety of reasons, the most important being that I'm tragically boring. I also love trying to understand the motivations of a person that, in real life, I might not understand (or want to).

DH: I like that concept. It reminds me of watching people in the mall or on the street and making up histories for them. You must get ideas all the time. How do you latch onto an executable story?

Courtney: I wish I knew! Every idea that turns into a novel is sometimes preceded by several that . . . don't. It drives me crazy! I'll get 50 pages into something that'll fall to pieces spectacularly and I'll be like, cries. I never see it coming until it happens, either. So I spend a lot of time writing with one hand and crossing my fingers with the other. Sometimes I write desperate letters to my ideas:
Dear idea,
PLEASE become a fully realized novel.
Love, Courtney

DH: It’s so hard when an idea or a full-fledged story doesn’t work out! But once you have locked onto an idea, what is your writing process?

To view this interview in its entirety, click here.

Walker BFYR Bought My Book!

OMG! Yesterday, Firebrand agent, my Firebrand agent (wow!), Ted Malawer struck a deal with Stacy Cantor of Walker BFYR for my middle-grade novel, Violet Raines Almost Got Struck By Lightning. I'm ecstatic! Athrill, cool crazy, delirious, euphoric--I looked these up in the thesaurus and they all apply. (Cool and crazy had a comma between them, but I like cool crazy better.)

I had signed up for a critique at this summer's SCBWI workshop, and I received Stacy as my reviewer. Talk about a divine appointment! She immediately connected with the novel and suggested I submit it to her at Walker. I didn't send it to her right away because I had chapters out for paid critiques, but after a month passed and the critiques hadn't come back yet, I'm like, Forget it! I've got to send it to her!

I carefully prepared my submission package, suffering secretly from signature stress syndrome and mailed it from Florida to New York by regular mail. Two days later, Stacy emailed me. She wanted more! I still hadn't received those critiques--everything was moving so fast! I sent her the manuscript and queried a few, very select, agents. Then Ted Malawer popped into Verla Kay's website and described his likes and dislikes. I thought Hey, he might like my book! And he might like my other manuscript, too. I liked that he described himself as an editorial agent and that he liked books that made him laugh, but if a submission could make him cry, even better. I queried him immediately.

Meanwhile, Stacy and I traded emails. I couldn't believe how perfect her suggestions were and how they fit with my vision for the book. Before I knew it, VIOLET RAINES was going to acquisitions and then Stacy said We're interested! and I was like I've got to get a hold of Ted! So of course my phone went on the fritz, the second line went down, my cell phone ran out of minutes and Ted didn't get my emails. I COULD NOT SLEEP FOR DAYS until Nadia Cornier called and said Ted had been very sick and was actually getting blood work done right at that moment. She was funny and nice, not scary like how I thought an agent might be.

Not much later, my cell phone rang. It was Ted! I still can't believe he rose from his sickbed to call me! We talked for a long time. It was wonderful! In that conversation and the ones that have followed, he's given me a real education on how all of this works. Such a patient guy--my questions are so newbie!

I really feel my book is in the hands of people who love it.

Here's the blurb from PM:

18 October, 2007
Childrens: Middle grade
Danette Haworth's debut VIOLET RAINES ALMOST GOT STRUCK BY LIGHTNING, about a vivacious eleven-year-old whose life changes drastically when a new girl moves to her backwoods Florida town, to Stacy Cantor at Walker, on an exclusive submission, for publication in Fall 2008, by Ted Malawer at Firebrand Literary.

I'm happy and so grateful to Stacy and Ted for their vision and belief in VIOLET RAINES. I'm happy for my fellow writer, Courtney Summers, who recently sold her YA book. Courtney, I hope you don't mind, but I'm going to copy you and say THANK YOU in a loud voice! THANK YOU, LORD! And THANK YOU to my husband and sister for believing in my work and reading it twice, to my mom who loved it, and to my beautiful dad who, when he still walked this earth, read a little piece I wrote and said, "If I could write like this, I wouldn't do anything else."

In the words of Mary Katherine Gallagher, my feelings can best be expressed by a musical number:

Nancy Drew or Trixie Belden?

When I was in fourth grade, my new best friend, CK, told me she’d read every single Nancy Drew book in the series. I was impressed and mentioned this to my sister. Big mistake. She copied my friend and checked out a couple of Nancy Drew books from the library and loved them. Next thing I knew, she was working her way through the series, one book at a time.

Well, that was it. No reading Nancy Drew for me—I wasn’t going to be like my sister. No way! Even though my sister is older, my mother bought us the same outfits at the same time and we had to wear them on the same days. We had the same haircut. Even when we weren’t dressed alike, people stopped us at the playground to ask if we were twins.

No, there’d be no Nancy Drew for me. I had to find my own sleuth. That’s how I discovered Trixie Belden. Here are the first few sentences from book one: “Oh, Moms,” Trixie moaned, running her hands through her short, sandy curls. “I’ll just die if I don’t have a horse.”

Oh, my gosh! Trixie wanted a horse; I wanted a horse! We were the same! Trixie instantly became the It girl for me. Trixie met that girl Honey who owned horses. In fifth grade, I groomed horses on weekends for my school librarian. Trixie wore jeans and went outside a lot, and even though she was older than me (she was thirteen), she seemed like a real girl, like someone I could be friends with.

I’m whispering now because I don’t want Trixie to hear this: I did sneak a few reads of Nancy Drew, but I didn’t like it. At eighteen, Nancy was too old and too sure of herself. She could doctor people up, skin dive, trick locks open—how did she know all this stuff? Trixie was more like me, discovering things along the way.

In recent weeks, I’ve read the first few Nancy Drew books. My gosh! These books are good—something is always happening. There is no down time in a Nancy Drew book. I like Nancy, shh! And I think it’s funny how each book references Nancy’s past mysteries by title and foretells the next mystery by book title.

I’ve also taken another look at Trixie and I’ll tell you what—Trixie is still my It girl. And I still want my own horse.

Meg Ryan Would Not Be Pleased

Want to see what celebrity you look like? Click here, upload your photo, and be prepared for the results.

I wondered how correct my casting of Hugh Grant as Herman Munster was (see earlier post), so I ran Herman's picture through the database.

Hugh wasn't even on the list! Myfacerecognition-celebrity matches posted Magic Johnson as the celebrity who most resembled Herman. John Travolta, Dr. Phil, and Matt Dillon were on the list, too. But the most surprising Herman Munster look-alike was Meg Ryan, who appeared on the list above Matt Dillon!

So Meg, think about it. Men have traditionally played the best monsters: Frankenstein, Dracula, and Hannibal Lecter--even King Kong and Godzilla were male. The time is now, Meg! Break this field open for women. Hermione Munster. Herman Megster.

Go for it, girl!

Blind Melon is Groovy

I'm Mad at a Couple of Writers

I can't believe they'd even do this to me. Anyone, EVERYONE, who knows me knows how much trouble I have with sleep. I am a classic insomniac--the sleep doctor said so. Why would anyone do anything to destroy what little sleep I get?

The perpetrators: Fiona Neill and Sara Zarr. Ms. Neill has written an intelligent mommy-lit novel--think Desperate Housewives (without the murders) meets Sex in the City. The writing is quick and witty. Lucy, the main character, doesn't bore me with how cute her kids are or rant about her husband or any of those other things that real people bore me with. I could be friends with Lucy. That's why I can't put Slummy Mummy down. It's smart fun.

Sara Zarr made me stay up past 2 a.m. on a school night with Story of a Girl. Sara, how could you do this to me? It was almost midnight; I was going to read only one chapter, but no, your writing was too real and too tight for me to put down. It wasn't even like I was reading a book; the reading was effortless. I don't remember turning the pages. I just remember looking at the clock after closing the back cover.

Excellent stories. Amazing writers! (Fiona, Sara, you owe me some ZZZs.)

Harry, Herman, and Hugh

I watched Harry and the Hendersons last night for the first time. What an intense beginning! Dark and full of shadows, then poor Harry gets hit by the Hendersons' car! And then Dad comes out to shoot him. The filmmakers caught me by surprise when, after being loaded up as roadkill atop the car, Harry slips down, pounds the windshield and roars. Great start!

The intensity goes down several notches after that and never quite makes it back up there. One thing that ruined it for me was that Harry was a bit too simpering. A little public vulnerability is okay, and private vulnerability is even better, but I felt the hangdog expression was overdone. I would've liked to have seen more playfulness or childlike behavior from Harry--that would have made him seem innocent. Instead, he goes from roaring and baring his teeth to cooing like a tribble or looking pitiable.

When it comes to lovable giants, no one beats Herman Munster. I mean, look at the guy. He's over seven feet tall, he's green (or blue), and he's got bolts in his neck. The funny thing about Herman is that as formidable as he is, he's immature and slightly effeminate but he's also a loyal family man and a reliable worker. He even takes a lunch box to work, so he's thrifty as well. You gotta love him.

Fred Gwynne played Herman to the hilt. I'm not sure anyone could fill his shoes. However, if I were casting a remake, here's who I would put in those size 26C boots: Hugh Grant. Yes, Hugh Grant. Think about it--his thin lips, his foppish mannerisms--he's perfect! He'd even put a new spin on the character--British Herman. I'd tune in for that, wouldn't you?

Spot the Error(s) #4

Breakfast Patrol, in which I Am Not As Sneaky As I Thought

He didn't want the oatmeal, scrambled eggs, or other healthy items I offered.

"I want a donut," he said.

I put my hand on my hip. "Well, you can't have a donut for breakfast."

"Why not?" he asked. "You do."

Busted!

Wildlife Week: In Which I Encounter Wildlife Where It's Not Supposed to Be Today's Post: You Will Not Believe Your Eyes!

Oh, man, I still can’t believe it. I thought it was a sonic boom. You know, you live in Florida you get used to hearing that twin boom, with the space shuttle landing and all, but I didn’t have time to reason it out before I heard the next one. The huge cypress tree I stood by shook; bushes rattled nearby, and squirrels fell off branches all around me. Boom! Another tremor shot up my legs from the ground.

What the . . .

Dinosaur!

I screamed but no sound came out. The camera fell from my hands. The dinosaur waded through the river, craning his neck to and fro. I knew what he was after. I knew what he wanted. And I remembered what Church Lady and Christy Lenzi told me. I grabbed my camera and ran into the muck.

“Right here!” I yelled. I twisted my watch and directed a sun beam into his eyes.

He stopped. Without moving his head, he slid his eye and looked straight at me.

“Yeah, that’s right,” I yelled, thumping my chest. “Grade A Beef! Come on!” I flicked my hand like Keanu Reeves. “Come on!” My heart was almost busting through my chest, but I repeated my mantra: I must enter the animal’s space, and he mine. This was the photo op of a lifetime.

He swooped his neck down and faced me. My heart pounded so hard it was breaking my ribs. The dinosaur smelled like an old aquarium. His nostrils were each as big as boulders. This was it—my final moment. I raised the camera. Then, like a wine connoisseur, he sniffed me, almost ripping the hair off my head.

He swung back up and lumbered through the river. About twenty yards down, he stopped and nibbled off some treetops.

Ah, brontosaurus. I nodded to myself. The friendly vegan. I ran through the trees and fired off this shot before he disappeared.

I’ve been to the local university, the veterinarians, and the science museum. They all think my husband Photoshopped the dinosaur into the picture. “But look at the reflection in the water!” I argued. “Look at the scale!” I tried to convince them to bring equipment and look for footprints in the riverbed, but they said words like mental and loony.

No one believed me. One guy even showed me how he Photoshopped himself into a picture with Lindsay Lohan. But the light in the photo reflected differently on him than on Lindsay. His picture’s obviously a fake.

I’ve been back to the river; everything looks the same. There’s no trace of the dinosaur, no proof that he was ever there. Nothing.

Except for this picture.

Wildlife Week: In Which I Encounter Wildlife Where It's Not Supposed To Be Today's Post: Bear!

He looks tiny in this photo, but he was much bigger in real life.

So I'm looking through a barrel on the third hole at a miniature golf place in Tennessee when the people above me shout, "Bear! Bear!"

I'm like yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, really. We'd just hiked the Appalachian Trail and didn't see so much as a squirrel. I bend down to line up my shot; I aim to win. But these people are ruining my concentration with all their shouting. Do they not know the rules of golf? We shake our heads. The only way to shut them up is to check it out. We run up there and OMG! there's a bear! He's hard to see because he's far away, hanging back in the darkness. I can't believe I'm looking at a real, live bear who is not in a cage.

He doesn't do anything exciting, and after a few minutes, everyone returns to putting their colorful balls through mazes and tunnels. I'm still at the third hole when a crowd of people stampede down from above. "That bear! He came down! He's in the golf course!"

I grab B's camera and scramble up to the first hole. There he is. The light spills over him, he's beautiful. Please notice, dear readers--there's nothing between me and the bear except an open walkway! And I'm the only steak human now standing at par one. B's camera is confusing. I don't know how to zoom or focus; somehow I fire off the shot. Then, the bear lifts the trash can with his jaws and slams it down. Awesome. Literally. When I can move, I back out of there.

Eventually, the bear moves on and so do we. Everyone else shouts their score to me; I write the numbers in a daze. I still I can't believe I saw that bear. At par eight, we hear some dogs barking on the other side of the hill. The sound echoes into the night.

Wildlife Week: In Which I Encounter Wildlife Where It's Not Supposed To Be Today's Post: The Crane Family!

Sandhill cranes--they walk around like they own the place. They meander down the street, using the sidewalk at times, looking around while holding their heads aloft. They stand four feet tall.

I'm a little scared of them.

Wildlife Week: In Which I Encounter Wildlife Where It's Not Supposed To Be Today's Post: Masked Robbers at Night!

My husband walked past these baby raccoons on his way to retrieve the hose. "S," I called in a voice I hoped blended into the night. He walked past them again without even seeing them, but they saw him. A third raccoon leaped off the birdfeeder and shot into the woods.

I had the camera by this time, but the birdfeeder was too tall for me to get the straight-on shot I wanted. I handed the camera to S and directed.