It Doesn't Get Any Better Than This

The phone's been ringing off the hook and I've had all kinds of delivery men dropping off boxes for my husband (the gadget man) and just now, UPS pulls up and I'm like What else has he ordered? but when I pick up the package I see it's for me. But I already got my Brian Regan DVD the other day and I'm tired, so I don't remember what I ordered, and I can't make out the return address and why am I standing here, I'll just open it and see.

I rip it open.

I gasp.

My little boy yells "Are you okay?"

I cannot answer.

It's my book. It's my book! I feel like crying just looking at it. I can't wait for my mom to see it and all my family and friends.

I am so moved receiving this copy Violet Raines. Feeling the heft of it--a HARDBACK!

My neighbor is home. I imagine her opening the door and me pushing my book at her. I know she'll be happy for me. But my vision does not stop there--why not go door-to-door and show all of them? They like me! They smile and wave when we check our mailboxes. But it's thundering and lightning! If I go door-to-door right now, I'll almost get struck by lightning. Of course, a slight graze might be good for sales, you know, the lightning and all.

I decide against this sort of publicity and instead repeatedly dial my mom who does not answer. BMZ are all excited for me. One of them wants to know if we're famous now. No, no, I say, as I secretly envision the movie. I wonder if I can appear as an extra in the crowd scenes.

No matter, when Hollywood calls, I will be ready. For now my book is here--MY BOOK IS HERE!